Money Money Money…

…No Money

With the United States slowly slipping into the depths of a complete economic recession amid rising fuel costs, a credit crisis and a housing market teetering on the brink of a complete collapse, one would think that the rich would still thrive while the poor simply had to push their cars to work. However, it seems that even the rich are feeling the steely grip of economic recession.

“Everyone’s got a price,” The Million Dollar man used to eloquently state to opponents such as Rowdy Roddy Piper and Superfly Jimmy Snuka right before he struck them in the face with a folding chair. “Everyone’s got to pay.”

Sadly, now it looks like it’s Mr. DiBiase himself, who has taken a folding chair to his face, as the US economic meltdown has left him almost penniless. The only thing folding in former “King of the Rings” life right now is his fledgling Million Dollar Corporation.

“I had to fire Virgil again,” said the despondent DiBiase as he packed his desk belongings into an uncharacteristicly bland cardboard box. “We’d been together for 20 years. Then one day I turn on CNBC and poof, it’s all gone. Damn that Jim Cramer and his Mad Money! I wish I still had my folding chair factory so I could grab one and pop that red haired bastard in the mouth. Booyah! Right to that ugly mug of his! Stock Pick of the Week: Buy high in dentistry.”

Alas, Jim Cramer can’t be the only one to blame. It seems that Million Dollar Corp. has been riding the slow train to Bankruptsville for quite some time now. The company dealt mostly in commodities that DiBiase himself knew the most about. Things such as bow ties, diamond encrusted chalices, Sapphires, non-toxic face paint, HGH, folding chairs, ostentatious suits that would make both Elvis and Liberace puke in their own mouths, etc, etc.

“I should have known when the Hart Foundation went under, and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat had to sell both his dragon and his steamboat…we were getting ready to bottom out,” said a the former Million Dollar Man.

DiBiase trusted most of his money and control in Million Dollar Corp. to his long time accountant and former tag team partner Irwin R. Schyster. It turns out Schyster was a much better wrestler than accountant; and that’s not saying a whole lot. In only a matter of a few short years Schyster took the once thriving corporation from “King of the Ring” to “Summer Slammed.”

Some claimed his accounting credentials were more than a bit shady and many questioned his educational background. Schyster always claimed that he graduated Magna Cum Laude from the prestigious Wharton School of Business, but those close to the accountant say that he was no more accredited than simply having one of those degrees that you could order by mail. Others swear that his degree was nothing more than a vague description of an ITT Tech commercial written on the back of a Denny’s placemat. But, by the time anyone at the Million Dollar Corporation could question unwise investment strategies, the company was in ruins.

No more fancy stretch limousines. No more bourgeois suits. No more prestigious WWF titles. No more money, money, money.

“Had to sell my suits to Mathew Lesko, that wild-eyed ? Mark suit guy from those commercials. You know, the ones where he jumps around and screams about all this free money the government is giving away. Apparently there’s a government program to help low level television personalities afford gaudy diamond encrusted suits. As a businessman, I find that to be suspect. You ever seen those commercials? That guys hopped up on something. I wouldn’t be surprised if he uses that money to fund a meth lab somewhere…”

As for the famous Million Dollar Belt, that goes to the only personality with more money and less tact than the former Tag Team Champ. “Donald Trump. He’s the only damn person that can afford anything now,” Ted said disgustedly. “It just goes to show that you can buy the belt, you can buy diamonds to encrust the belt, you can buy help to carry the belt, but you can’t buy class to go with the belt.”

And so it seems the Million Dollar Dream is finally over. Another victim of a worldwide economic nosedive that seems far from over. The Dream is looking more and more like a Million Dollar Nightmare at this point. Ted DiBiase aka The Million Dollar Man, has filed Chapter 11 and declared bankruptcy. A melancholy end to a prestigious career.

When I asked how the public should refer to him now that his famous moniker is no longer relevant, he said, “I dunno, I guess I’ll just have to go by Regular Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase.”

With his cardboard box of mementos Regular Dollar Man Ted DiBiase walked slowly down the street. Drinking Night Train out of a brown paper bag and singing his entrance music alongside longtime pals The Ultimate Warrior and Koko B. Ware, the once proud WWF Superstar disappeared into the night. Just a few more casualties of the waning popularity of professional wrestling. A few more casualties of a toxic economy.