With the news being dominated and scissor-kicked by the upcoming UFC 100 event on Saturday , let us not forget the lesser sporting news that get blotted out by the shadow of the big boys. Sure, they may not be exciting–and possibly depressing–but that doesn’t mean that ugly ducklings don’t need some love! And by love, I mean mocking them with lame jokes. Now, let’s hold hands and get to work!

Ari Vatanen says he will run for F1 president

Former Finnish rally champion Ari Vatanen will run for F1 president. I’m seeing a joke about a keyboard and how my F1 key doesn’t need a president. Zing! Comedy’s that easy, kids.

Canada eliminated from medal contention after loss to US at U-19 hoops tourney

Hoops is street slang for basketball, for those not in the know. And who knew Canadians could identify a basketball from a lineup, let alone play the game! Unfortunately, they lost to the USA by a scant 20 points, 93-73. To be fair, the USA is full of dudes waiting to play for the NBA, while the Canadian team went back to farming hemp after the game ended.

2010 Walmart FLW Tour Schedule Announced

A what in the what for the what? Hmm… Wal-Mart’s involved… one of the events is at Lake Chickamauga… there is a mention of Branson, Missouri… oh, it’s fishing! Of course! If you think that’s not lame enough, you can always take up fantasy fishing. Yes, there is such a thing. I’m sorry FLW (which probably stands for “Fish Like Wind”), but the only fantasy fishing I do begins and ends in the meat section at the supermarket.

Hooters to Kick Off in South Africa Before 2010 World Cup

On behalf of America, I wholeheartedly apologize to you, South Africa. First, you’re punished with a seemingly endless soccer tournament, and now you’re getting decent wings harangued with vapid, baseless flirting. This is how wars are started.

Mass. man scrambles to repay Tom Brady

Shouldn’t Tom Brady be repaying every man on Earth for hoarding all of the hot women? So this “Mass. man” stole some flower planters worth $8,000 from Tom Brady’s condo. He was just proactively collecting on Tom’s debt to mankind! And who in the heck buys flower planters worth $8,000? Didn’t anyone tell Tom that twelve bucks and some immigrant labor will provide all of the plants you’d ever need?