As if this year’s sporting championships haven’t been interesting enough after thrilling finals in Hockey, Basketball and Football, we still have another clash of the titans to look forward to. Infamous Boxing promoter Don King claims that this year’s annual celebrity charity boxing tournament in Hell will be a battle for the ages. “2009 will go down as a biblical year that will be talked about for millennia to come. In summation, the world nation’s heart palpitations will be filled by thumptations at the 2009 Celebrity Slamnation in Damnation!” King exclaimed.

“Well, what can I say… Business has been good.” Beelzebub said, as he reclined on his asbestos padded office chair in his air conditioned office. “We knew 2009 would be big for us, but not this big. We had been waiting on a lot of investments to pay off some time now. Up until last year, our annual boxing tournament had become stale. There are only so many times that people will watch Mahatma “The Snake”  Ghandi square off against Abe “The Brain” Lincoln. It just got repetitive. But hot damn!. Last year, (Paul) Newman really shook things up. Paul’s been great, since getting Newman’s Own to sponsor the event we’ve been able to launch a marketing campaign to compete against the UFC for ratings.”

With a card that includes first time entrees Steve McNair, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays and Dom Delouise, the tournament was bound to attract attention, but due to recent controversy the event is a now a guaranteed success.”Ricardo Montalban has raised a valid point in decrying the event’s lack of drug testing,” explained sports analyst Bob Costas, “Given recent revelations of a history of high grade anesthetics, it is questionable as to whether or not (Montalban’s first round opponent) Michael Jackson will be able to feel a single punch. If he is doping, this will just add fuel to the cries for pre-fight testing that started after Heath Ledger fell asleep on the stool between the second and third round last year against Richard Nixon.”

This controversy stems off the heels of the highly contested decision to keep Bea Arthur fighting in the Women’s bracket. “It’s just not fair, her hands are like meat cleavers.” complained Farrah Fawcett at a recent press event. The big question is whether or not George Carlin will be able to defend his title after last year’s event, but we will just have to wait until September 27th at 8 PM on FOX. As always, the proceeds from the charity event will go towards spreading AIDS infected needles in Africa and keeping Two and a Half Men on the air.