5 Things Guaranteed to Happen during the USC-Stanford Football Game:

1) In preparing to be the next 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh will pull down his pants at halftime revealing an impressive application of bronze paint.

2) Pete Carroll will put Traveller in the game at tailback and bring new meaning to the horse collar rule.

3) The halftime show will feature an enraged USC drum major slaughtering the entire Stanford marching band…and everyone will applaud.

4) Toby Gerhardt will redeem white running backs everywhere when he manages to score a touchdown and not embarrass himself with his celebration dance.

5) The Trojans defense will provide such hard hits that the entire Bay Area will duck and cover.