Aah, how we love college football:  the pig-roasting, the tail-gating, the epic match-ups (can’t wait for Florida v. Charleston Southern week 1), the obnoxious fans, the arrogant coaches, the USC Song Girls, Texas girls, girls of the SEC, freshman girls… Here now is what to look for this upcoming season:

Non BCS School Goes Undefeated
Last year, Utah went a perfect 13-0 and didn’t get a chance to play for a national championship.  In 2006, it was Boise State who went undefeated but got denied national championship consideration.  The disparity between the haves and have-nots of college football has gotten so out of hand, Mountain West Conference Commissioner Craig Thompson visited Capitol Hill as part of a two-day lobbying effort to seek changes in the Bowl Championship Series.  Change may be a’ coming, just not yet.  Prediction: Look for The Citadel - hint:  take the over against Wofford - to keep the tradition alive and play in the Orange Bowl come January.  Sadly, though, they will again be overlooked for the national championship.

Charlie Weis Breaks Down

A new billboard facing the Notre Dame campus offers a not-so-subtle reminder that the past two seasons have not been up to the standards of the storied Fighting Irish football program.  It reads:  “Best wishes to Charlie Weis in the fifth year of his college coaching internship.”  However, with a softer schedule and a more experienced group of players, many expect the Irish to bounce back strong and make a BCS bowl. Prediction: Weis opts for gastric bypass surgery to avoid watching his Irish tank the end of another embarrassing season.

Joe Paterno Dying

The winningest coach in major college football history has a new contract to go along with his new hip, which will give him the oppurtunity to coach Penn State through the year 2011.  But, he’s 82 f*cking years old!  My grandpop’s 82 and I wouldn’t trust him making a cheese sandwich!  Paterno used to be a coaching genius.  Now, he’s just an old codger roaming with way-too-thick glasses.  “There’s no reason for me not to think that I can go for a while,” Paterno said, as he strapped himself up to an oxygen tank.  “Now how long is a while?  I don’t know.” Michigan State game November 21st: Paterno dies.  Penn State wins.  They bury his body in the end zone just like he always wanted. Texas Revenge

Texas beat the Sooners last season on a neutral field.  Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Tech finished in a three-way tie for first place in the Big 12 South.  Under the fifth tiebreaker, Oklahoma won the spot in the Big 12 Championship Game as the highest-rated team in the BCS standings.  Texas fans are still grumbling.  Prediction: Texas takes it out on Oklahoma on the field.  Texas mascot Bevo takes it out on Boomer Schooner with his horns.

Steve Spurrier and his Visor
Remember, those days when Spurrier coached at Florida and his team’s would post 50 points in a half against their opponents?  With the Gamecocks anemic offense, it now takes five games to see 50.  Prediction: The ‘Ole Ball Coach tears his rotator cuff throwing his visor half-way across the field in a humiliating home loss to South Carolina State.

Jahvid Best
One of the best players in the nation you’ve probably never heard of.  Yeah, we’re not sure how to pronounce his first name, either.  He’s a two-time All-Pac 10 selection and the leading returning rusher in the country.  Some are even mentioning his name - or something close to it - for Heisman consideration.  Prediction: He plays in the PAC-10 and isn’t on USC.  What do you think?

Ole Miss Uprising
There’s Miss Hawaii, Miss California, and somewhere on the other side of the stage missing a few front teeth and looking a little paunchy is Ole Miss.  Mississippi handed the national champion Florida Gators their lone loss last year and officially made it past the evening wear round.  Now, they want more.  Ole Miss goes into the season ranked eigth in the country in one of the twenty seven polls that are out there.  Prediction: Rebels have best season in school history.  Then, fans lynch all the team’s black players in celebration.

Nick Saban and Les Myles Renew Rivalry
LSU hates Alabama.  Alabama hates LSU.  Saban coaches at LSU.  He wins a championship there in 2003.  Then, he leaves, sneaking out the back door like a snake.  LSU hires Les Myles.  He wins a championship in 2007.  Then, Alabama hires Saban, linking the two together forevermore.  Prediction: Instead, of playing an official overtime period, Saban and Myles agree to arm wrestle for SEC West supremacy once and for all.

More Michigan Embarrassment
Two years ago, Michigan lost to Appalachian State in its season opener.  Last year, the team went 3-9 and failed to qualify to play in a bowl game for the first time in 34 years.  Now, former players are saying coach Rich Rodriguez committed rules violations by having them practice too much.  Wow.  How the mighty have fallen… maybe it’s time to start thinking about changing the lyrics to “Hail to the Victors.”  Prediction: Look for more of the same as Michigan loses at home to Delaware State on a last second field goal.

Big Ten Redemption
Remember when the Big Ten wasn’t thought of as old, slow, feeble, and about to die?  It really wasn’t that long ago.  In 2006, No. 1 Ohio State beat No. 2 Michigan to cap off an unbeaten regular season and a debate emerged about who was a more worthy title game participant:  the Big Ten’s second-place team or the SEC champions.  A few years and several humiliating losses later, the Big Ten is in crisis mode.  They need a non-conference win.  A big win.  Can Ohio State deliver when they host USC September 12th?   Prediction: Ohio State loses to the Trojans BUT only by 17 points.

Bloods and Crypts
In honor of local Los Angeles gangs, watch for UCLA and USC to get into an old-fashioned knife fight - apparently, red is not a color you want to be wearing on Saturdays - in this year’s annual rivalry game.  Prediction: UCLA gets the best of coach Pete Carrol and star defensive back Taylor Mays in the knife fight but USC wins the game.  Knife on.

Colt McCoy Winning Heisman
What he’s got going for him:  The coolest name in Texas.  Not to mention, only one player has won the Heisman Trophy more than once (Archie Griffin in 1974-75).  That doesn’t bode well for Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford or Florida’s Tim Tebow.  In addition, McCoy finished second in the running last season and returns with an experienced offensive line and receiving corp.
What he’s got going against him:  Oklahoma seems to win these close races (check 2008 BCS standings).  Prediction: McCoy edges out Bradford this time around.  Angry Texas fans riot - tipping over all cows in a 40 mile radius - because he didn’t win by a large enough margin.

Tim Tebow Walks On Water
He’s the number one player on the No. 1 team in the nation.  He was the first player to win the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore and already has two national championship rings.  This year he’s going for a third national title as he patiently awaits his apprenticeship with God.  In case you haven’t you heard… Tim Tebow can kill two stones with one bird.  Tim Tebow set Adam and Eve up on a blind date.  Tim Tebow once won connect four in three moves.  Tim Tebow can touch MC Hammer.  AND God has a Tim Tebow complex.  Prediction: Tim Tebow parts the Red Sea of the Rose Bowl with twenty hungry Phillipino babies on his back then barrels over Taylor Mays and his knives to score the winning touchdown in the National Championship Game.

Yes, it’s going to be an exciting season, folks.  So, ready the grill, channel your inner redneck, and break out the creepy freshman-watching binoculars because the party gets started this weekend!