7:04 AM: Hmm, which side of the bed should I get up from? Getting up from the left side has always brought me good luck but the right side is a lot closer.

8:05 AM: Made it out of bed! Yee-haw! Jumped out. Straight in the air. Didn’t think of that. Hmm, should I brush my teeth or floss first?

9:36 AM: Went with the floss. Had some corn stuck in my teeth from the seventeen and a quarter cobs I ate at the barbecue pig roast last night which I stopped at on my way to my sister’s birthday party before stopping off to get some frozen yogurt - went with the vanilla and chocolate. Delicious! Well, at least I thought it was at the time. Now, I’m not so sure. Hmm, gotta go to the bathroom. Both number one and two. Son ‘bitch. Should I hike it out the back or throw the hail mary? 11:15 AM: Quarterback scramble. Whew! That was close. Still gotta take a whiz, though. Ok, what’s for breakfast? Or do I want lunch? Eggs and bacon? Pancakes and waffles? English muffins and French toast? Hash browns and grits? FUCK!

12:58 PM: No breakfast. Wasn’t that hungry anyhow. We’ll do a late lunch or maybe an early dinner. I should probably check up on Bessy. That’s my cow, ya’ll. Good girl. Well, sometimes she is. Oh man, should I take the car or just walk?

2:15 PM: Drove out to see Bessy. Parked in between the backyard and porch again. Hope the wifey won’t mind. That is, if we’re still married. Sometimes she gets weird with her cancer. Or is she diabetic? I can never remember. Looks like Bessy needs to be milked. How should I grip the udder today? Tough one. I like to stroke it down as if I was coaxing toothpaste out of a container but Bessy seems to enjoy the grip and rip method better. Should I place a bucket underneath her? Or maybe a cardboard box?

4:08 PM: Ok, what I do with cow milk on a piece of fine China from a border town between Switzerland and France? I guess I’ll just leave it on the porch. Yeah, that sounds good. Still gotta take that whiz. It’s starting to burn. Or it that the herpes? Time to throw that pigskin ’round the yard. I got a hoop here I like to throw to. That is, if my buddy Blane ain’t ’round and I don’t have the wheelbarrow set up. I have this certain way I like to grip the ball. But, I was thinking, what if I threw the ball underhanded?

6:35 PM: Seinfeld is on channel 8. Everybody Loves Raymond is channel 10. Damn it! Why is this happening to me again?

7:30 PM: ‘Just got a call from Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress. Oh man, what should I do about playing again next year? Minnesota has that big mall and it’d be cool to play with Adrian Peterson but the team’s colors are purple. I don’t know. Some of theses decisions can be so hard. I think I’ll go take that whiz now. Or did it go away?