Dear Answer Man,

 

I have two questions for you. One is now that the NFL is over and MLB has yet to really get rolling, what should the NHL do to stand out more in the U.S.? Secondly, how come we haven’t heard much about the AMC this season? The past few seasons you mentioned them so damn much I got tired of it. I now realize I missed the updates. Any thing new with you guys?

 

Debbie (Oshkosh-WI)

 

Diamond Debbie, thanks for the great questions.It is nice to have female fans. Let me know if you ever make it to town. I know I have never seen you before or know anything about your situation but I would make out with you if you’d like. Just let me know. I can stay out as late as I like. My mom doesn’t really care. Seriously, call me.  It will be cool.  We can hook up and I believe I am disease free.

 

Yes, the Answer Man Crew is in full effect I promise. We did have a mishap recently.  One of the boys crossed over to the dark side and started dating my arch enemy Phyllis (the vial temptress). For those of you not privy to this skank, she is Answer Mom’s best friend and someone I hate. My former Bro, Derrty Derrick, hooked up with her after a Blues OT win. I blame it on the post game emotion we were all consumed with. What started as a one night stand has now blossomed into a full on live-in relationship. Double D is now dead to me. Other than that the AMC is rockin’ in the free world as always. We still get together for most televised Blues games. Our rituals of shirtless chest bumps after every goal and feats of strength during intermissions still stand.

 

Now on to your skank questions you sent in. Yep, the No-So-Super Bowl is over thank God and the commercials sucked. Any chance there was an NHL commercial during the game? Exactly. Stupid league, they’ll never get it. Like the league doesn’t have a million dollars to spend for 10 seconds of advertising.

 

I think the NFL sucks and sucks big time. It is made up of jerk off players who constantly looking to show boat and I can’t stand it. I have a friend who says I don’t like football because I can’t throw one. I can’t throw a football because I throw left handed and everyone knows that all footballs produced in North America are right handed. It is a scientific fact. Enough said. I don’t take out my anti-right handedness on the entire league. It is just a stupid game with stupid players. 

 

The NHL is sitting on a prime opportunity for something. They have the “Winter Classic” now but the U.S. has already forgotten about it. The NHL needs an all out ad campaign that focuses on the hitting, scoring, fighting and even some big time saves by stupid goalies. I included the goalie highlights because you know they’d bitch and probably start crying if they weren’t included. I would couple this ad campaign with more commercials focusing on things players do outside of the sport.

 

“Things they do outside the sport you say AM?” Damn straight. I’d have the players playing hockey in everyday life situations. Think about it for a second. You could have guys dressed in full gear in a grocery store shooting produce into a cart or have a big defenseman protecting the front of the meat case or express lane. Make it fun and make it stand out. You could have two guys fighting over the last box of tampons. Now they would have to be European players who do that. I guess it would be more of a slap fight then.

 

Marketing is all about timing and opportunity. That is why my pork rind and cologne businesses are so successful. My cologne is for post workouts and it drives the ladies crazy. It hides your natural musk after a good gun sculpting session. My pork rinds come out in late spring when people are gearing up for the BBQ season and float trips. I also refuse to sell them to anyone who professes to be a NASCAR fan. My pork rinds are for the intelligent pork rind aficionado. Not some jerk off from South County who loves racing. Am I being an elitist? Nah, I just don’t like racing or people from So Co.

 

The NHL needs to put me in charge of marketing. Throw all of the politically correct nonsense out of the window. Let’s get to the humor and the characters who make up this great game of ours. Gary Bettman, I’m looking in your general direction and once your head stops shaking side to side, you need to call me. I’m in the book under the Awesome section. You are worried about how the current economic climate is affecting league revenue? Well, bring your checkbook to Answer Mom’s house and sign my ass up as NHL Marketing Guru. I’ll put some asses in the seats North Co Style.