Dear Answer Man,

 

Hey Man, it seems to me that over zealous goal celebrations are on the rise. I am seeing a lot of arm pumping or “windmilling” in concert with a leg drag. Please tell me that this is going to end soon and by soon I mean right now. Is this whole thing a fad or is it here to stay?

 

Vince (Hazelwood-MO)

 

Vinny, good to hear from you. How’s the rash? Just kidding dude. Seriously though, did it clear up? 

 

I agree 100% with you. I am seeing more and more players go a little overboard about scoring a goal. Maybe I’m a little old school but when a player goes all out to celebrate a goal it reeks of NFL-ness and I ain’t down with that.

 

When a player goes all out to dance around like a Phruit, it tells me he thinks he is bigger then the team or even the game. Celebrations are good but take it down a notch rookie. I think we can trace the increase to Alex Ovechkin. This guy is 100% power and energy.  He’ll jump into the boards after a goal and maybe bang on the glass. I’m OK with that.  The guy truly loves the game and you can see that. He also hits like a freight train. 

 

Once players got a whiff of Alex doing it, the natural progression is to try and top him and you get into these ridiculous arm pumping routines that makes me want to cave their faces in around my fist. It is just like those assholes who celebrate a touch down with all of the “look at me” shit. I expect things like that from a classless league like the NFL or NBA. Not the proud and humble NHL. I naturally blame the Phruit Euros because you know they all have a knack for flamboyance and a penchant for flare. There is also a influx of younger players that may have dabbled in the “flamboyance” in Junior hockey.

 

Junior hockey is like summer camp. You are away from home and you can experiment.  Trust me, it happens and it happens all the time.

 

Another thing that I don’t like is when a player skates by all of his teammates and bumps fists or “high fives” his teammates all the way down the bench. I don’t like it at all.  Look, you don’t need to go crazy with attention. 

 

I know some of you on in Answer Nation are thinking to yourselves, “OK Mr. Old School, what is the appropriate way to celebrate according to you and do you wear boxers or briefs?”

 

The proper way is simple. All 5 players meet in a group hug ideally in the slot right in front of the other team. During said hug, the goal scorer needs to find the guys who developed the play or fed him the puck. A kiss is certainly not out of the question but one thing that must happen is everyone needs to tap everyone else on the butt. It is a karma thing but also your teammates will appreciate it.

 

Now I’m not saying you need to cup the guy’s firm and supple buttock or caress it in any way.  Go for it if you want to but it isn’t mandatory. You should for sure keep all fingers out of the crevice unless asked otherwise. All of this adds to team bonding. At the end of the hug either line up for the face off or change lines and never speak of it again.

 

Now let’s talk about sending a message to said “Arm Pumpers”. First chance you get, you flatten whoever it is. No questions asked. One way not to do that is the way Dale Hunter destroyed Pierre Turgeon in the 1993 playoffs between Washington and the Islanders. It was a hit from behind and totally cheap. 

 

The better way to do this is go to this idiot “Arm Pumper” and tell him he’s going to get it and you are the one who’s going to give it to him.  When you do give it to him, enjoy the full thrust (that’s what she said).

 

I can only hope these foolish celebrations end soon. Hockey is really good about policing itself so hopefully someone mans up and starting burying people for it.