Dear Mr. Barkley,

I am such a big fan of yours.  I love your political incorrectness - most recently you called conservatives “fake Christians” and you said that if cursing on TV aversely affects your child, then you’re not a good parent.  I love your down home southern drawl.  It makes me want to hunt mosquitoes in a swamp then have a snake fry.  And your love of gambling inspires me to become a billionaire so I too can have the chance to lose it all on horse #5 at Santa Anita.  But, I’m sorry Sir Charles.  I’ve held it in far too long - watching your golf game makes me down right QUEASY.

Take a look at Exhibit A:

No, a person’s swing is not supposed to look like a mentally challenged accordion or a rusty folding chair trying to close.

And believe me, I’ve tried watching your show on the Golf Channel - the “Haney Project” - with an open mind.  I really did.  But, watching what you call a “swing” just made me want to run to the bathroom to vomit.  Here’s the thing:  you’re an 11-time All-Star, an NBA MVP, a basketball Hall-of-Famer, and an Olympic gold medalist… You’re better than this.  Why are you doing this to yourself?

Why are you doing this to Hank Haney?  He’s a nice old man.  Trying to teach the game he loves to woeful beginners like Tiger Woods.  Why are you trying to kill him?

And why are you doing this to the game of golf?  
That’s right, you’re making it embarrassing for me and every other schmo to play.  Just when golf was starting to become a cool sport with Tiger and Vijay and a bunch of other honky crackers you try and take the game back to its pre-Civil War southern plantation roots.  Dude, you’re turning black people off to golf faster than Steve Buscemi turned all people off to sex in his porno “That’s my Buscemi.”  There’s just some things we don’t need to see, if you know what I mean!  And sadly, Buscemi’s moves in the bedroom are better than yours on a golf course.

So, please do yourself a favor, put down the club, and tune into the British Open this weekend to see how golf is supposed to be played.  Then, look in the mirror, watch yourself swing, and quit the game forever.  I’m sorry, it’s for your own good.

Still your Biggest Fan,

Jeff