The 2009 New York Yankees are World Champions!  Alex Rodriguez (seen above making out with himself) wins his first Championship Ring despite being an admitted steroid user.  Much like any big, evil corporation in so many movies, the Yankees use the greenback to get to the top.  The Phillies were a noble, scrappy underdog filled with likable guys like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins and Raul Ibanez.  The heart and face of the Yankees* dated Madonna and is a cheater.  Most of the time, the good guys triumph (2003 Marlins over Yankees, 2001 Diamondbacks over Yankees, 81 Dodges over Yankees).  But this is one of those rare times when history or pop culture allows the bad guy come out on top, but here are some of the greatest examples:

10. The Guys Who Brought You Scary Movie, Date Movie and Disaster Movie over Good Enertainment

Spy Hard. Date Movie.  Epic Movie. Disaster Movie.  Meet the Spartans.

Avarage imdb.com rating of those films: 2.7

From imdb: They’ve also written and sold several other spoof comedy scripts, such as; “Raunchy Movie” and “Remembering the Titans On Any Given Sunday Gives Me The Varsity Blues”.

Those guys are millionaires and “Firefly” only got 1 season.  There is no God.

9. The Little League Yankees over the Bad News Bears

They were the ultimate underdogs.  A team made up of kids who weren’t good enough to make other rosters.  They were coached by a drunk, ex-major league pitcher.  They had no talent and were poorly coached.  After several embarrassing losses and adding a few ringers, they climbed out of the gutter and up to the championship against the Evil, Evil, Evil Yankees.

In the championship game, the Yankees tried to bean the Bears, they get in fights and generally play dirty.  The evil porn ’stache sportin’ manager of the Yankees even goes as far as smacking the shit out of his kid on the pitching mound in the middle of the game.  Meanwhile, Walter Matthau learns the true spirit of Christmasbaseball and puts in his scrubs so they have a chance to play because its not about winning.

They keep it close.  Kelly leak then hits a deep shot to right field.  the bases clear.  Kelly Leak slides in to home to tie the game at 7.

But he’s out.

The child abuser and evil Yankees take the big trophy.  They’re still dickwads, though.

(Rest after the break)…

8. Karl Malone wins NBA MVP (1997 & 1999) over Good People

One of the dirtiest players of all time.  A racist.  Adulterer.  Fathered more illegitimate children than Thomas Jefferson (whom he refuses to aid in any way.  What a dick.).  A dirty player.  Friend of John Stockton.  Former Laker and Jazz player.  Yet, they gave him 2 MVP Trophies.  Not going to list all of the non-Evil people who could have won the MVPs instead of him in those years.  At least he never won a championship.

7. Ivan Drago over Apollo Creed (Rocky IV)

It was only supposed to be an exhibition.  A fun US vs. USSR match.  This was never supposed to happen. Poor, innocent, loved former Champion Apollo Creed was struck down just after his prime.  “If he dies, he dies.”  It would be like Muhammad Ali being killed a few years after the Thrilla in Manilla.  A beloved icon of our country destroyed by a cold being from our mortal enemy.

Another horrible side effect of this was them making Rocky V.

6. Megatron over Optimus Prime (1986 Transformers: The Movie)

How shocking was it to every six year old in 1986 to have the leader of the good guys killed in the first fifteen minutes of a kids movie?  All of the kids begged for Optimus Prime that year.  They were sold out in stores across the nation.  Nobody cared about Jazz or Bumblebee or Starscream.  It was all about Optimus Prime.  My Mom frequently tells me stories of calling every store in town before Christmas looking for one for me and my brother.  He was this indestructible leader who was noble and wise.  And Megatron killed him just when we needed him most.  Sure Judd Nelson came through and stopped Unicron in the end, but having the most good struck down by the most evil was hard.  It wasn’t until years later that it was only to sell a new line of toys.  Damn you, Hasbro.  Damn you.

5. Paris Hilton born into a life of luxury over Mother Teresa in a life free of Material Goods

Mother Teresa spent 45 years ministering and feeding the poor, sick, orphaned and dying throughout India and the world.

Paris Hilton has 45 cars.

Mother Teresa rescued 37 children trapped in a front line hospital by brokering a temporary cease-fire between the Israeli army and Palestinian guerrillas.

Paris Hilton has been arrested or fined 37 times for Drunk driving, endangering the public and other offenses.

I know Mother Teresa had the love of the world and Paris only has material possessions and that material possessions didn’t really matter to Mother Teresa, but still… it sucks that Paris won in that column.

4. The Empire/Darth Vader at the end of The Empire Strikes Back over the Rebellion SPOILER!

After a stunning upset in which the Rebels blew up the Death Star, things went bad.  The Empire regrouped.  The got big four legged walker things.  They froze Han in Carbonite.  They made Lando turn on his friends.  Luke Skywalker had his hand cut off by Darth Vader, who turned out to be SPOILER his father. Luke barely survives.  The rebellion is in ruins.  The second chapter in this trilogy… Evil definitely won.

You may be expecting some pithy comment about Return of the Jedi and the Ewoks and how silly it was.  But can you really fault a movie that made every hot geek girl dress up like this every Halloween:

3. 2009 New York Yankees Win World Series

We all know.  They’re the Yankees.  They’re evil.  They just won.  Bring on 2010.

2. Michael Myers over His Sister/Laurie Strode/Jamie Lee Curtis

Back in 1978.  He came home.  Michael Myers tried to kill Jamie Lee Curtis.  She survived.

In 1981 (but the night after the night in 1978), he tracked her to a hospital to finish her off.  She survived.  He was supposedly blown up with Donald Pleasece.

In 1982, they made a movie without him or Donald Pleasence.  It bombed.

From 1982-1998, they regretted killing him off.

In 1988, he came home again.  So did Donald Pleasence.  Jamie Lee Curtis was supposedly dead.

In 1989, same thing.

In 1995, they made another movie, but nobody saw it.

In 1998, he came home for his sister.  Again, again.  But not really home.  He like found her in some weird school in the woods.  Just on a hunch he decided to kill the nurse who had super-secret information about Jamie Lee Curtis being alive and well.  Why he waited until 1998 to get that information, I dunno.  Was he just hanging out at like a deli and heard a rumor that his sister was alive?  Who would pass him a rumor?  At least he killed Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the process.

In 2002… he finally triumphed and killed Jamie Lee Curtis.  A victory 24 years in the making.  Evil incarnate killed his pure virtuous sister.  Then do yourself a favor and don’t watch the rest of the movie.  Its got Busta Rhymes in it.  And he does karate on Michael Myers.  Seriously.  Just stay away.  Even the boobs in it don’t make it worth it.

Also goes this high on the list for the other Michael Myers being so evil he gave us The Love Guru, The Cat in the Hat, and Shrek the Third.

1. Germany over Poland (1939).

Landslide victory for Evil.  Very Yankee-esque.  Don’t be surprised if in the next few days, the Yankees divide up the Phils and gives them to the others in the Axis of Evil (Dodgers, Mets, Jazz, Lakers, Russians) like the Nazis did with Poland.  I’m also going to take this opportunity to show another hot chick dressed up like Princess Leia.

*- I know good and well A-Roid isn’t the heart or face of the Yankees, but it does seem to irritate them when you say so.