The speculation is over. We know who’s in, and who’s Dallas (henceforth, that will stand in place of the term ‘out of the playoffs’). The teams on the outside looking in will get a little more pub this week since this is their eulogy.

THE NUMBER ONE SEEDS

1. Tennessee Titans (13-3) – Rolled over and died against the Colts. No sense risking players to injury after losing Haynesworth and Vandenbosch. Watching Jeff Fisher talk after the game is like hearing someone who just lost a game of darts: sure, you didn’t win, but you had a few pints of Guinness and are in a good mood.

2. New York Giants (12-4) – I still believe they are doomed without Plaxico. But Brandon Jacobs should get healthy after getting rest today and another week off. They’ll be huge Vikings fans next week; they want no part of the Iggles.

THE GOOD NOT-DALLAS TEAMS

3. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) – Another year, another Jim Sorgi owner wins his fantasy league. The Colts are dangerous because they can beat everyone in the field. Someone will have to play out of their skulls to knock them out. Or if it snows. That would do it.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) – Destroyed Cleveland and have a bye week, but the Roethlisberger injury has to worry everyone in Steeltown. They’ll need a mobile quarterback to get by the feasting defenses in the AFC field. By the way, counting the motorcyle accident, isn’t Ben up to concussion number five or so? When does he go on Aikman watch?

5. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) – Downside: the secondary is injured and there’s no rest for a pass defense that isn’t great if they don’t get pressure. Upside: Joe Flacco burst through the rookie wall and Ed Reed has eight picks in his last six games. Happy Festivus from Charm City.

6. Carolina Panthers (12-4) – Staggering comeback to avoid slipping to the five seed in the NFC. Although the comeback was set up by blowing a twenty point lead. So that’s like getting in the newspaper for saving someone’s life because moments earlier you shot him in the neck.

THE OTHER NOT-DALLAS TEAMS

7. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1) – Insane momentum going into the playoffs. Enough talent to get to the Super Bowl, not enough to win it. By the end of a run in the NFC, though, they could be good enough. Talk about Philly shaking the loser moniker. Although Rocky V was still terrible.

8. Miami Dolphins (11-5) – Great El Mariachi season for Chad Pennington. And I know for a fact that there are a lot of Jet fans who were glad to see it happen. Meanwhile, Parcells can opt out of his contract and keep the $12 mil. And it’s sunny.

9. Atlanta Falcons (11-5) – Nearly lost to St. Louis in the biggest game of Matty Ice’s life. He also had the worst game of his career, which doesn’t bode well for his first venture into the playoffs. The upside is that in the NFC field, they should still win at least one game.

10. San Diego Chargers (8-8) - Crazy stat: the Chargers have won fourteen straight December games. They’re like the anti-Dallas, probably explaining why they’re in. Another team no one wants to play.

11. Minnesota Vikings (10-6) – Barely beat the Giants’ scrubs to get into the playoffs. Should be a significant home dog against the Eagles.

12. Arizona Cardinals (9-7) – Speaking of home dogs, the Cardinals haven’t tried in weeks. Is anyone going to take them against the Falcons?

JUST MISSING OUT

13. New England Patriots (11-5) – No, I don’t feel bad for the Patriots. They’ve been to four of the last seven Super Bowls and could have won another one. And now, there are reports that something is wrong with Tom Brady’s rehab. So what happens to Matt Cassel? I’m guessing the Pats franchise him, trade him to Minnesota (where he’ll crash, burn, and do something else like crashing and burning) for a million picks, and Tom Brady will be fine. Don’t cry for Belichick.

14. Chicago Bears (9-7) – There’s a lot of upside on this Bears’ team, but it all hinges on Kyle Orton. They’re also a possible landing spot for Cassel (or McNabb, who is a loss at Minnesota away from being a bum again). It’s almost time for the team to start rebuilding the D. And in this horrendously bad division, the playoffs should be a priority next year.

15. Denver Broncos (8-8) - I should be more cruel to a team that blew a huge division lead. Their defense is disgraceful and all of their running backs are hurt. I blame the division more than the Broncos. 

16. New York Jets (9-7) – Big money, high profile free agent acquisitions may work for the Mets and Yankees, but not so much in football. This is a weird team going into next season. Favre is probably gone (another Cassel possibility) and Kris Jenkins really slowed down. The defense is pretty good, though. The run wasn’t a fluke; they’ll probably be aggressive in free agency to try to shore it up. It’ll probably go about this well next time.

17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7) – You control your own destiny and lose at home to the Raiders? This team could be in a little bit of trouble going forward. Both Derrick Brooks and Ronde Barber got old fast. None of the running backs are any good. Jon Gruden hates Jeff Garcia.

GOOD STEPS FOR ‘09

18. San Francisco 49ers (7-9) – The Niners officially hired Mike Singletary, guaranteeing another season of total insanity. Their biggest decision is to whether give Alex Smith the same burial at sea that David Carr, Joey Harrington, and Tim Couch have gotten in the last few years. I’m thinking he will. They need a pass rusher to go with their otherwise up-and-coming defense. In the worst division in football, they could be in the playoffs right away.

19. Houston Texans (8-8) – Huge run to end the year. So many teams go 8-8 and say, ‘we’re ready for next year!’ only to turn into the now legendary Detroit Lions. But the Texans have some great pieces in place. They’re a stud lineman (not named Duane Brown) away from causing real damage in the AFC and turning the South into Malebolge.

20. New Orleans Saints (8-8) – Again, hard to tell exactly what’s up with the Saints. Drew Brees will keep them competitive for years, but what about the defense? They went and got a bunch of guys this season and it didn’t work. A defensive coordinator would be helpful too. Maybe Sean Penn can draw up a zone blitz while he’s down there (he’s still there, right? He shot Milk from a derigible?)

21. Oakland Raiders (5-11) – Yes, they still need coaching. Yes, they need to break the curse of the Suede Pharaoh. But this Raiders team isn’t that far away. They’ve got a legit deep threat (Johnnie Lee Higgins), three good running backs (Fargas, Bush, and McFadden), and a couple top-notch defenders (Asomugha, Morrison). If they can get offensive and defensive linemen, they can compete right away. They’ll draft aother running back and the tragedy will continue.

2008 DALLAS COWBOYS

22. Dallas Cowboys (9-7) – The Raiders are off the shny. The ’08 Cowboys are now the picture of melting down. Terrell Owens is a loser. Tony Romo makes horrendous decisions. They mortgaged their draft on Roy E. Williams. Their Coach-In-Waiting can’t figure out how to score points. Who knows if the circus continues next season.

23. Green Bay Packers (6-10) – The whole defense was a disaster this year. Although, there’s a possibility that all the balls that bounced for them last year just didn’t go their way this season. They need to do a lot better in the draft than they have been doing in order to get out of this one.

24. Buffalo Bills (7-9) – Dick Jauron is a miserable coach. Trent Edwards looks constantly upset. Marshawn Lynch is Simon Phoenix with dreads. There’s no quick fix for the kind of doom going on in Buffalo. When in doubt, go get linemen. It usually works.

25. Washington Redskins (8-8) – The Redskins are always a wild-card because their owner is insane and wears a lot of rings. It’s never a good sign when your owner goes heavy on the rings and none of them is a Super Bowl ring. The Redskins will pay a lot in signing bonuses, get their draft stolen by smart teams, and probably fire their coach. Hail to the Redskins.

TOP EIGHT PICKS

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11) – Few teams got shredded by injury like the Jags did. Fred Taylor mentioning that the Jags had the worst chemistry of all time isn’t a great situation. After watching ball after ball clank off of hands in Baltimore, it’s safe to say the Jags are looking hard at Jeremy Maclin.

27. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1) – The Bengals’ little winning streak knocked them down four spots in the draft. But Marvin Lewis probably saved his job. They (shocking) need defense, and Rey Maualuga could be the Ray Marvin needs to play defense. It’s easy to be a defensive genius when you’ve got a hall of famer in the middle.

28. Seattle Seahawks (4-12) – Same old story in Seattle: no receivers. The defense should be better next year, even though Jim Mora Jr is a terrible coach in disguise. They covet Michael Crabtree, although Detroit has a tradition to uphold…

29. Cleveland Browns (4-12) – With the emergence of Joe Flacco, the Browns have three cannon-armed quarterbacks to deal with in their division. They need a corner like Tyra Banks needs to be on television. Malcolm Jenkins out of Ohio State is the best one.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14) – After all the Tyler Thigpen is the Future talk, the Chiefs are still 2-14. They could go one of a few ways here. Getting a stud offensive lineman (and there are a bunch of them) is a priority, but after seeing Flacco and Ryan produce instant results, it’ll be hard to pass up Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-14) – This team stinks. Andre Smith is good. The only question is what coach will be in place next year. The players like Jim Haslett. Then again, their decision making has resulted in two victories. Don’t ask an idiot for directions.

THE LEGENDS

32. Detroit Lions (0-16) – What can you say? Matt Stafford will come aboard an incredibly leaky ship next season. He’ll get a lot of money, and beaten within an inch of his life. This isn’t the most dubious record, though; the expansion Bucs lost their first twelve games of ’77 as well. Hopefully it won’t come down to Week 10 of ’09.