Recently Shaquille O’neal, our favorite Irishman, held a press conference to announce his arrival to the Cleveland Cavaliers. His entrance was to be a grand one, walking through an amazing display of affection from little kids he doesn’t know and can’t understand. Towards the end of the entrance, Shaq made eye contact with a grown man. Being mentally thrown by this, Shaq reverted back to his days of catching child predators. Doing as much as he used to when he was on the force, Shaq gave him a look that could stun any man under seven foot…and then broke his hand. The grown man has since issued a statement saying he will not press charges if Shaq will record a new rap song for him and urges him to wear his costume from Kazaam while on the bench.
According to team sources, Manny Ramirez is set to return to game action for the first place Dodgers July 3rd.
So, is Manny excited to be back?
“Back for what, man?” Ramirez quipped, as he took a long puff. “Dude, ya know Martians don’t need to refrigerate food? Ya man, it’s always room temperature. No matter what room you be in. Always room temperature. Isn’t that fascinating?”
A confused Tony Romo stood awkwardly still this morning as he played with a gigantic Siberian tiger in Bethesda, Maryland. The Dallas Cowboys’ slinger had reportedly been told by girlfriend Jessica Simpson that she had scored him a “tea time” with Tiger, which happens to be the name of the pictured tiger. Romo, an avid amateur golfer, thought that his girlfriend had meant a “tee time” with famed golfer Tiger Woods.
Friends of Romo that witnessed the “play time” said that he tried to play it cool while the 1100-pound predator drank a milk tea concoction from a baby’s bottle, but was actually “completely beside himself with terror”.
Romo refused to comment after the event, but he was seen intensely scowling at Simpson as they hurried to his vehicle.
In an experiment for Sports Science, three-time major winning golfer Padraig Harrington recently attempted the Happy Gilmore swing – wherein one runs and slap shots the golf ball. Harrington was amazed when the swing added an extra 30 yards to his drive.
Sure, the swing is a breach of classic golf etiquette, inaccurate, and potentially dangerous to the spine. But this momentous outcome has the sports world excited. What other movies hold golden opportunities for the real world of sports?
The Flying V – The Mighty Ducks
I suggest the Anaheim Ducks drop behind the net, move into formation, and start the play that conquered not only the Hawks, but also Team Iceland. Too bad the move is totally illegal. The players in front of the V are using interference, and the move is absolutely off sides.
While most 71 year-old grandfathers are soiling their diapers over the prospect of knife wielding home intruders, Frank Corti is beating the sh*t out of them. The ex-boxer’s 23 year-old neighbor, Gregory McCalium, was met with a suprise as he attempted to rob Corti’s home during the night. Corti woke up and put McCalium down with two right hooks. A citizen’s arrest was made and McCalium was left with a black eye and a split lip.
Nearly everyone is happy to hear that the elderly man was able to stand up to the young thug, except for the people at 20th Century Fox, who now have to think of a new plot for Rocky VII.
Miami Dolphins held their first ever “Take your daughter to work day” today, where employees of the organization were encouraged to bring their daughters and nieces under the age 12 to come be a part of the team for a very special father-daughter bonding experience.
The Dolphins haven’t had something go this terribly wrong since Ricky Williams claimed it was “Bong O’Clock” and essentially left the 2007 (1-15) season a joke that could only be told made funny by the likes of Cheech and Chong.
The day started out as a to show of love and support, with dolphins personnel showing their daughters the day-to-day operations of a professional football franchise. It was a day they hoped would introduce young women to a profession that has long been dominated by middle aged males in team visors and old curmudgeons chomping on cigars talking about the good ol’ days, when you were allowed to lay haymakers on refs, drink in the huddle and play both sides of the ball.
However, the day took a very ugly turn when a friendly scrimmage turned into an all-out war on the field, as Dolphin veterans turned cold when the niece of one of the trainers put a late hit on receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. From there, things just seemed to get out of hand. Read the rest of this entry »
It looks like NASCAR has more to worry about than driver Jeremy Mayfield testing positive for methamphetamines. An undated photo was leaked today showing what looks to be a full-fledged meth lab on the back of a NASCAR competitor. Acrid, yellow smoke and a tunnel made from tubing can clearly be seen on the back of the pictured car.
The car in question is manned by Matt Kenseth and owned by Roush Racing. Neither could be reached for comment, and the #17 car mysteriously disappeared from the circuit last month. NASCAR officials also refused to comment on the photo, but a confidential source told us that while the meth lab on the Roush car is an egregious example, many cars have more inconspicuous labs concealed inside the vehicle.
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth said the man he struck and killed during a drunk driving incident back in March came out of nowhere.
Currently, Stallworth is rotting in jail serving a 30-day sentence after pleading guilty to the DUI manslaughter of 59-year-old Mario Reyes. Stallworth is also serving two years’ house arrest and is suspended from the NFL indefinitely.
Police have said Reyes was not in a crosswalk and was running to catch a bus (or perhaps a raft) when he was hit by Stallworth. On the 911 call released Monday, Stallworth describes how the victim “just ran in front of my car.”
So, is Stallworth suggesting that anytime a human being runs out in front of a car the person driving the car should try and kill them?
Michael Vick is not just a dog lover. Apparently, he loves children, too.
The suspended NFL star will be leaving his job with a Virginia construction company to work with youngsters at a Boys & Girls Club. Vick needs a job to meet the conditions of his probation. He had previously been earning $10 an hour.
Steven Kast, CEO of the Boys & Girls Clubs of the Virginia Peninsula, says Vick will be working with children on health and fitness activities at several clubs in the Hampton Roads area.
There is no word yet whether Vick will be having the kids settle their differences by fighting to the death in the middle of a ring as Vick’s “pals” watch on excitedly placing their bets and penetrating one another from behind.
The Pittsburgh Pirates celebrated the life of hometown celebrity Billy Mays by carving his face into the center field at PNC park on Monday. Mays grew up in the Pittsburgh suburb of McKnees Rocks and wasn’t know to be an avid baseball fan. According to Pirates spokesman, Jim Trdinich, the Pirates don’t mind the TV pitchman’s disinterest in baseball and are hoping that Mays’ bearded visage will give the team some much-needed good luck.
“We’re out of ideas and floundering at 35-41,” said Trdinich. “If Mays’ face can get us a few wins, so be it. And this is the only way we could get the press to report on us.”
Whether Mays’ face at center field will be lucky remains to be seen, but the fans are quite positive.
“I cook a soup with that Orange Glo stuff!” quipped Ricky Wolinsky. “I loved that guy, so I’m happy his face distracts me from the awful play of the Pirates.”
CELEBRITY
GAMING
MOVIES
Recently Shaquille O’neal, our favorite Irishman, held a press conference to announce his arrival to the Cleveland Cavaliers. His entrance was to be a grand one, walking through an amazing display of affection from little kids he doesn’t know and can’t understand. Towards the end of the entrance, Shaq made eye contact with a grown man. Being mentally thrown by this, Shaq reverted back to his days of catching child predators. Doing as much as he used to when he was on the force, Shaq gave him a look that could stun any man under seven foot…and then broke his hand. The grown man has since issued a statement saying he will not press charges if Shaq will record a new rap song for him and urges him to wear his costume from Kazaam while on the bench.
